The Gift of the Internet

These are some of my favorite internet neighborhoods. Maybe you've seen them all (I tend to be about five years behind when it comes to youtube videos and other internet fads) but I did try to pick sites that were a little off the main road. Enjoy!

• My Religious Blog--http://www.myregisblog.com/

 Irreverent and funny without being disrespectful; this is a great place for anyone who ever wondered what Brigham Young would look like with a beard of bees, or for those who enjoy LDS-themed puns. 

• The Nietzsche Family Circus--http://www.losanjealous.com/nfc/

This brilliant site randomly pairs a Family Circus cartoon with a Nietzsche quote. If it wasn't for life, I think I could hit refresh for hours. 

• Devastating Explosions--http://devastatingexplosions.com/

This seems self explanatory. It took a while to load, but I wasn't disappointed. Overall, it's a fine way to kill five minutes. 

• Sad Tuba--http://sadtuba.com/

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. I use this site in meetings, especially when people are reporting about failed assignments. (True story.)

• Brandon Bird's Brandon Bird-O-Rama: http://brandonbird.com/

I love fine art. Though I've been back time and time again, I never get sick of looking through the "paintings" and "drawings" section.

The Importance of Being Ernest

I think this nineteen-second piece of fine cinema is one of the more apt metaphors for my life:

You and me both, Ernest. You and me both. Sigh.

Scriptural Discussion

Nephi: O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

Daniel: I don't know, Nephi. I've been wondering that same thing myself. I'm ridiculously blessed and I've had an astounding array of incredible spiritual experiences. My life is littered with witnesses of God's unending love and power, and yet... I'm depressed. I can't seem to feel happy. I was hoping you would have some answers.

Nephi: But, behold, why do ye ponder these things in your hearts? Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.

Daniel: Yeah, I read my scriptures every morning. I love the scriptures. I would be completely lost without the scriptures. And I avoid a lot of misery by keeping the commandments, and I have these wonderful spiritual experiences here and there, but I can't seem to learn how to be happy day by day. 

Nephi: Receive the Holy Ghost; it will show unto you all things what ye should do.

Daniel: The Holy Ghost will teach me how to be happy?

Nephi: Yea.

Daniel: He hasn't told me what to do to be happy again yet.

Nephi: Have ye inquired of the Lord?

Daniel: No. Whenever I do that I just get up from my knees without any idea what to think or do.

Nephi: How is it that ye do not keep the commandments of the Lord? How is it that ye will perish, because of the hardness of your heart? Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?—If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you.

Daniel: Yes, I remember that. I guess I just don't believe that God will actually respond to me. It's hard to trust that all these unseen things go on. I'd much rather just watch TV, distract myself with music and WAY TOO MUCH food, and get sympathy from friends through comments in response to my passive and veiled facebook status updates about being miserable. 

Nephi: I do not know the meaning of all things, yet I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm. Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh.

Daniel: Sure, but you're NEPHI. Of course YOU know that. It feels like there is less hope for me. 

Nephi: You that will not partake of the goodness of God, and respect my words, and the words which shall proceed forth out of the mouth of the Lamb of God, behold, I bid you an everlasting farewell, for these words shall condemn you at the last day.

Daniel: Wait, don't leave. I'm sorry. I didn't mean any disrespect and obviously I don't want to be condemned at the last day. I want to partake of the goodness of God. Really, I do. I just feel lost. I'm sad, confused, tired, and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. 

Nephi: I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray, ye would know that ye must pray.

Daniel: I don't know. It just seems like there should be a better answer. Something more concrete, you know?

Nephi: I, Nephi, cannot say more; the Spirit stoppeth mine utterance, and I am left to mourn because of the unbelief, and the wickedness, and the ignorance, and the stiffneckedness of men; for they will not search knowledge, nor understand great knowledge, when it is given unto them in plainness, even as plain as word can be.

Daniel: Hey, before you go, can I at least get a picture taken with you?

Nephi: Fine. But I'm not going to smile or set down these tongs.

FYI: I Suck

193 pounds. 15.9% body fat.

FYI

189 pounds. 14.9% body fat. 

(I want to be to 12.5% by the end of the month.)

Signs of Aging

For me the signs of aging aren't so much the appearance of wrinkles or my north-climbing hairline. The clear mileposts are coming from within.

Here is today's proof that I am becoming an old man:

1. I'm really bothered that young people don't know how to write a letter and have never learned the flower of speech.

2. I just used the phrases "young people" and "flower of speech." I also commonly use the phrases "belle of the ball," "bee's knees," "gangbusters," and "picture show."

3. The office manger did not understand my Magnum P.I. costume.

4. My posture is at 60 degrees.

5. I'm now invited to more funerals than wedding receptions.

6. I'm constantly in dress socks, and have begun mixing dress socks with casual clothes because I can't be bothered to bend low enough to solve the problem.

8. I assume your on drugs.

9. Spokesmen and women are no longer recognizable.

10. Much of my day is spent loudly talking at the technology around me.

The Fall Social

Invite Friends. Pass Along.

Blogspot Confessional

These are things I have been holding in and I'm here to unburden myself. There are no crimes, only things I haven't shared.

1. I'm sorry Person X, but I find your endless and unrelenting cheerfulness and optimism uninteresting. Some things are worth recognizing as unfortunate.

2. Person Y, your enthusiasm for the Color Code is a huge turn off. Must every conversation come back to reds, blues, yellows, and whites, and is that really how you want to understand the world?

3. I was a ten-pound baby, and not the slightest bit chubby, I had no hair until I was four, I slept in cardboard boxes, and my dad has never once changed a diaper. This should explain a few things.

Pancakes

Scout Master Bob* once told me, "Always remember no matter how thin the pancake, there are always two sides." Then he told a story about how he thought his wife misplaced something, there was some kind of marital discord, and, lo and behold, the item had actually fallen behind the dresser.

I've remembered that throughout the years because I've never seen someone be so darn serious when talking about pancakes.


But I do like pancakes as a symbol for duality. Even if they weren't (basically) two-sided, they are an item that inherently lends themselves to mixed feelings. As Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.) once said, "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're [darn-tooting] sick of 'em."

Yes, pancakes are two-sided all around.

In the spirit of pancakes, here are two things I have mixed feelings about.

Old People

I love the way old ladies grab the underside of my elbow. I don't know why they do this, but they do, and it's great.

I'm not so much a fan of the way old men often shake my hand throughout the length of a conversation.

Movers and Shakers

I love seeing people out and about walking, running, and biking. It gives a neighborhood energy and I'm all about activity.

I'm not so much a fan of the large people I'm seeing on bicycles these days. Yes, get out and ride a bike. Yes, burn some calories in a low-impact way. No, you don't need to dawn the neck-to-knee spandex. Aerodynamics is neither a factor nor flattering.

*Whose real name was Kerry, but whom we so unrelentingly called "Scout Master Bob" that when later speaking to our church congregation he was announced as "Scout Master Bob." Shortly thereafter he moved.

Holding Up My End: A Public Service Announcement

In case you grew up the same TV shows and movies as I did, allow me to tell you (from my experience) what things have held up well to the test of time and what things have not.

Held Up

1. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
2. Ghost Busters
3. The first few seasons of Law and Order (before anyone really good looking was in the cast)
4. Raising Arizona
5. Pee Wee's Big Adventure

Not Held Up

1. Opportunity Knocks
2. Ghost Busters II
3. Ghost Busters III
4. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
5. Alf

On the Line

1. Wayne's World II
2. Regarding Henry
3. News Radio
4. Mathew Broderick (generally)
5. Twin Peaks

Unknown

1. Willow
2. Night Court
3. Mash
4. In Living Color
5. The New Twilight Zone

Polotics as Unusual

Currently the Great State of Utah (and I mean that) is turning its attention toward creating new political districts. In the past it seems the legislature has used this as an opportunity to gain seats for the majority party.


I think this is wrong, and I let me state representative know it today. Here's how:

. . .

Representative Christensen,

I want to offer my support for fair redistricting, motivated by democratic principles and not by party politics.

I know the men and women who serve in elected office are largely people of character who have tremendous senses of civic responsibility. I am thankful for your sacrifice. I am not trying to impugn anyone's actions or motives--I don't know of any actions or motives worthy of suspicion. But I currently fear the rights of individuals to be represented proportionately is potentially in danger, and I wanted to bring awareness to the issue.

It's no secret conservatives enjoy a majority of support in Utah. I don't see any problem with this. However, to adopt districts with any intent toward diminishing the representative-voice of those who do not identify with conservative principles strikes me as deeply anti-republic.

As you are likely aware, historically state representatives have cut districts aimed at dividing races, ethnicities, and religions--to keep these groups, though numerous, from being a significant factor in any election. People dedicated to the principle that all men are created equal, regardless even of political orientation, will not stand for such legislative disregard of the spirit of our founding.

Please do everything in your power to see that all are protected as redistricting continues; to see that no voice is divided, muted, or marginalized; to ensure to all who are proud to call Utah home, may remain proud to claim the government as their own; to ensure that ideals win elections, and not boundaries.

I hope when the dust settles and the new districts are drawn, there will be a near-perfect correlation between the ratio of those in the state claiming conservative, liberal, and independent beliefs, and those representing us in government who bear the same respective characteristics.

Thank you for your time. Please let me know if I can do anything to help in your service.

Yours,

Daniel R. Staker, J.D.

Blind Ambition

I've been wearing a lot of ties to work this week. I don't have to. In fact I don't even have to wear shoes. (And many times I don't.)

But lately I've been wearing a lot of ties.


A coworker asked why I was dressing up. I thought for a few seconds, but I didn't have anything to say. So I thought for another few seconds. "I think it's a physical manifestation of pent-up ambition."

Lately my craving for some new enterprise has ranked ahead of cravings for:

• Pie
• Milkshakes
• Naps
• Peace and Quiet
• Kissy Face

This is BIG. On a personal Richter scale, this is Japan-rattlingly big. It weighs on me. I've been wandering around the house and office and anywhere else I wander saying, "I need a second job... I need a second job... What else can I do?" I've even gone to picturesque settings, looked past horizons and over valleys, and struck thoughtful poses while waiting for ambition's call to strike like lightening.

Nada.

This has been an on-going frustration of my adult life: I feel so perfectly suited for some distinguished work, but I have no idea what that work might be.

I know this is egotistical. I know I AM egotistical. But I'm open to suggestions. What should I be? What should I do? The world should be my oyster; I need to find a way to pry this sucker open.

Former Things

Hi gang. Remember when I used to write poems and talk about books that I've read? Well, after fighting off the exhaustion of a grueling March-through-June, I'm back.

This weekend I read What the Dog Saw, which is a collection of essays by Malcolm Gladwell (which is a really upbeat last name, if you think about it).

When I told people--roommates and family--I was reading this they almost always asked, "Well, what DID the dog see?" I'm not sure if they are curious, or just being smart. But in case you're like them and your curious, the answer is body language. That's what the dog saw.

Here's what I saw.

I'm fascinated with Gladwell as an author. He seldom tells me anything I haven't read elsewhere, yet he's such a remarkably clear-headed writer. And that is why he's a millionaire and I'm not an any-kind-of-aire.

I was about 100 pages into The Tipping Point, Gladwell's first bestseller, when I read a sentence that I thought was clunky and a bit out of place. That's amazing. Usually I'll encounter sentence-itch in the first chapter, even in an incredibly well written book. Mad props, Gladwell.

But I figured out your formula. And, without further ado, I give you the Gladwell Code:

1. This thing seems pretty great and/or is widely accepted.
2. However this thing is not what it seems.
3. We can learn a lesson about this thing by comparing it to another thing that--though seemingly very different--is actually kind of like the original thing that we all thought was pretty great and/or is widely accepted.
4. The thing is more complicated than we supposed, and we need to be careful about the thing.

I'm not complaining. (I'm not sure if Malcolm is a reader of this blog or not.) I'm just proud of myself for seeing the forest through the trees.

* * *

You might also remember that I am kind of a jerk, but I'm not entirely jaded. I'm not sure if I'm getting any sweeter, but I do have another sacrament meeting poem.

Preacher says,
____Repent,
____and He'll forgive!

And I think,
____Yes, that's just
____the way to live.

Preacher says,
____Love one another;
____try to do right.

And I think,
____Sure would be nice
____to sleep at night.

* * *

However, in the interest of full disclosure, I also recently wrote this poem about a famous children's book:

"I know some games
we can play!"

That Cat was a pervert.

Most animals
in clothes

are.

Conclusion: still fairly jaded.

Yo' Mother Earth

I'd love to visit outer space, but I wouldn't want to live there. Living on the earth is great.


Think about it: there is so much majesty, yet we also have plenty of water-slide parks and go-kart tracks. Yes, when it comes to human comforts, planet Earth really does have it all.

Tim DeChristopher is all crazy about the earth too. A few years ago, as a 27-year-old college student, he showed up to a BLM oil-lease auction and started bidding away. He won 14 leases that day. (Ambitious for a college student.) Unfortunately for the BLM, Tim had no intention of paying up. He was only there to make life harder for oil companies.

Fast-forward a few years and Tim is convicted of two felony counts of mucking things up for rich people, and is sentenced to two years in prison, and given a $10,000 fine.


My thoughts on the matter are largely unimportant. (But I'll let you know, in case you're curious.) My first reaction was, "Shame on the BLM auctioneers for waiting until this twenty-something-dude won 14 leases before pulling the cord." Shouldn't they have known something was up much sooner?

I thought the whole thing was kind of funny.

I also thought the leases were rushed to auction and not well thought out. (An opinion the courts happened to later agree with.)

Finally, I generally think it's a waste of legal resources to pursue any criminal case when there is an adequate civil law remedy. (Let the oil companies and BLM sue this guy, clear his bank accounts, garnish his wages, and make the guy miserable for years, and don't let him become a hero by serving jail time.) I mean, we paid for this guys trial and he was prosecuted at the expense of not prosecuting someone else.

All of that said, I don't have any strong feelings about Tim of Christopher; I do have strong feelings about idiocy, bad advocacy, and wry observations. Enter the protesters and my friend Christopher (no relation to DeChristopher)...

Prior to Tim's sentencing hearing, Christopher received this (horrible) email, which is ridiculous enough that it's worth quoting in its entirety:

America is broken. The people get it, and something's starting.

Folks are calling for an occupation of DC to end the wars and protect the planet. Others are pushing for an occupation of Wall Street to end the funding for the destruction. Still others are engaging in direct action and civil disobedience against mountaintop removal, the tar sands pipeline, and fossil fuels in general. And rabble-rousers around the country are calling for an end to corporate rights and rule.

But you don't have to go to DC to act, and you don't have to wait to say a holy NO to catastrophic climate change. Because it's happening right here in Salt Lake City, right now.

On Tuesday, Tim DeChristopher will be sentenced for successfully preventing oil and gas drilling on Utah wilderness lands. Tim engaged in civil disobedience to save the planet, and now he's facing years in federal prison while the real carbon crooks go free.

This is an outrage. But it's going to take a lot more than outrage to stop this crazy, cliff-defying train of injustice. It's going to take all of us doing what Tim did: taking direct action against the fossil fuel industry to keep carbon in the ground.

And that's what we intend to do.

The first step is getting your body down to Exchange Plaza on Tuesday, July 26th at noon to demonstrate your solidarity with Tim and your objection to eco-injustice.

There'll be political theater, singing, dancing, resisting, rebuilding, and getting ready.

Be there.

I will only say one thing about this call to action: "cliff-defying train of injustice."

But it turns out all the political theater, singing, and dancing wasn't really persuasive to 20-year Federal Judge Dee Benson, who sent Tim away to the joint for two years.

When Christopher heard about the sentence he remarked, "Considering when he gets out, he's got a book deal and a fine career as a paid public speaker, it beats graduate school."

The protestors weren't so insightful or impassive, and chose to react to the news by making a human chain across the Trax line. Christopher texted me: "Way to stick it to big oil and gas companies; disrupting public transportation."

(ABC News: http://www.abc4.com/content/news/slc/story/Bidder-70-protestors-released-from-jail-after/4yPfWMWJCEmWlOuHdxA5Rg.cspx)

Another apt observation.

He further summed up the situation:

I read the paper today and they interviewed this lady who was on the Trax train [the protesters] blocked. She was like, "I'm trying to get home from work to be with my family. These people don't even have jobs." I only knew one of them, but darned if she wasn't right about that one.

Nothing blocks meaningful debate and progress like villainizing the opposition, and no one makes so few converts as the zealot. Nietzsche once said, "The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments." He might have also added, "and political theater" to the end of his quote, and darned if he wouldn't have been right.

Private Letters Reveal Einstein was Full of It

It appears Einstein might have been no Einstein. Recently discovered letters show the iconic physicist was, in his own words, sometimes "just [making] crap up."



The letters document an ongoing correspondence between Einstein and fellow German physicist and Nobel Prize winner Max Planck. For the most part they are letters you would expect between colleagues--a kind of intellectual exchange--but sometimes a lighter, playful, even at times juvenile side comes through.

Perhaps most interesting, though, are the letters discussing Einstein's 1905 paper about mass-energy equivalences. This is the paper that gave birth to the best-known equation of the 20th century: E=mc2 (squared).



Shortly after the paper's release, Planck wrote Einstein asking for clarification about the soon-to-be-famous formula. "This does not make sense to me," he challenged. "Though I respect your ability, try as I might, I cannot seem to follow your work. E=mc2 is a puzzle to me and I doubt its veracity."

"Maxy, don't be such a jerk," Einstein began his reply. "Of course you cannot follow it. Sometimes I just make crap up." Einstein went on to explain a different sort of theory.

"People are insecure," and if you lose them in a little math, throw in some things that are impossible to explain, they will "half of the time say you are brilliant rather than admit they have no idea what you are talking about."

He went on to explain: "Energy is equal to mass times the speed of light squared? What does it even mean? Of course it's nonsense. A doughnut fits in your hand and weighs like 3 ounces, and the speed of light squared is like some really ginormous number. If you multiply those things together, does it come out to 300 calories? Maybe. I highly doubt it. But I don't think anyone knows for sure and that's just the thing. You can't measure or verify it, but it sure as [expletive] sounds impressive."

In subsequent letters Einstein reveals earlier rejected drafts that he considered for the famous equation. While they still leave us clueless when it comes to understanding the universe, they do give some insight into Einstein's process as a writer. The earlier drafts include:

Candle is equal to mass times a million, divided by 6.674.
Energy is equal to the gravitational constant squared, times pi.
Mass is equal to 42.

The International Language: Love's Labors Lost in Translation

Just in case you weren't raised on a steady diet of 1980's television and movies, let me take you to a cinematic place called Better Off Dead.



I believe the moral of the story was that meeting a French girl will fix up your boss Camaro and completely eliminate your severe suicidal ideation.


Sounds great, right? But where in Your-Town, U.S.A. do you find a French girl? Well, in the movie she came courtesy of the next-door neighbors via some kind of foreign exchange program.

Unfortunately this exchange was not about cross-culturization--no happy commingling of fromage and apple pie, or baseball and wine swilling. No, this poor phillie was brought across the sea by the neighbors for the sole purpose of making a love connection with the unsightly Ricky.



If you want to know more, you should go to your local netfilx and rent the movie. But for our purposes here you only need know at one point it is said that though Ricky doesn't speak any French, and the phillie doesn't speak any English, the two are nevertheless communicating just fine using the international language.


The audience is then left to uncomfortably laugh at the idea of the grotesque, fat American having a romantic relationship with the attractive, captive French chick.

What's the point? I'm not sure. But I've recently had a brush-up with the romance on the world wide web--and trust me, it is world wide. I'm not sure if Ricky and the Frenchette were able to communicate any better, but in my limited experience courtship and attraction doesn't necessary translate well.

And with that very, very long introduction, I now present to you a collection of emails I have entitled "The International Language: Love's Labors Lost in Translation." While I think they are funny, I am not poking fun. I promise. It's funny like all of us are funny, and I think, above all else, this is adorable.

hi... desire to make many friends

Don't we all?

oh! I not though you get write to me...but thnak you!:).... yeah I had a great sunday really!!:):) nice to meet you DANIEL!!

You are very welcome. I'm glad you had a nice day.

oh! Thank you Daniel!!...How was your day! here in Peur it is summer and great but sometimes not ahaha weel...I work doing proyecto envorimental I study it...and I love it career really.....I'm member as 14 years and u dear friend?.

Uh... It's winter here. There is a lot of snow. And I've been LDS for all my life.

oh much snow there it must be beautifull but difficult for the card !! no?.......oh woww all your life you are member of the church woww I glad for you friend!.....
Well we are in summer here in Perú....all quite!!:)yeah, you have luck:) hahahaaaa I believe it ...I think all your family is member truth....I glad for u really.... How was your day?....... You meet people by this?.

I am very lucky. And you are right, the snow is beautiful but hard to drive in. No, I haven't met anyone from the internet. The idea kind of creeps me out.

Wow, lol How you get creeped out? I have. :) been interesting. Mostly I meet great people :)

you look so official in your clothes. i like good guys:) :) Muy guapo must say!

Well, if you must...

Report

More miserable failure.

1. Sleep goal: One out of ten. (I'm going to need an intervention.)
2. Writing goal: Maybe one page out of three.
3. Reading goal: Still one book ahead.

Last week's book was Blink.


I really enjoyed it. The book wasn't nearly as helpful as it could've been, and the content was largely stuff I had read elsewhere, but Gladwell can flat out write. The book moved quickly and was engaging.

However, Gladwell does quote some police men, and police men do swear like sailors. Be ye forewarned.

Sacrament Poetry

I've been accused of being cynical. Or maybe the word was "jaded." Either way, I didn't take it personally and I wouldn't refute it. (In fact, I'm usually impressed when people have the candor to be so honest with me.)

So I am jaded. It's true. But it's not the whole truth.

Sometimes I can be humane and vulnerable and cuddly and down-right, boyishly naive. I'm complex. But these poems aren't.

I wrote them all in LDS Sacrament meetings, and I didn't write them because I was bored. (Which is something a jaded person would do.) But because I was touched and wanted to give in to things that I didn't understand. (Which is something a person who is only sometimes jaded can do.)

Orderville

________Shuffling boots
____and cowboy-cut suits,
_________row after row
_of heads seldom combed

_________Still-wet parts
brave boys battling callicks
________Contrite hearts
_____worn by earth's grit.

_________Humble men,
_____taller than steeples.

Warts and All

He...
He came down, born in a manger.
And the Child
grew and waxed and filled with wisdom.
He knew man,
in all points tempted as we are,
yet without sin.

He knelt in that garden and pled,
Let this cup pass...
Nevertheless, He drank the cup
to the bottom.
And now He really knew mankind--
warts and all.

It was a miracle
that He died
and rose up on the third day.
It's a miracle
that He suffered for my sins
in The Garden
and suffered all over again
on The Cross.

But it's no less a miracle
that knowing me
and that knowing you--
warts and all--
He still wanted to take us
Home with Him
Because He really does know us
and still loves
Us.

Red Checkmarks

Josephus B. Waters,

Check.

Everette Cain,

Check.

James G. Bennet,
Hyrum L. Pizor,
William Blakeslee,

Check.
Check.
Check.

One by one,
all together.

Gone for now,
but not forever.

Check.

Drop by Drop, aka The Sunbeam

Drop by drop,
blue, green, orange, and brown,
M&Ms fall
into the empty sacrament cup.
I don't think
Jesus would be displeased.
After all,
He wants this little boy
for a sunbeam.

Backblog

So I'm a little behind.


Which is both an accurate description of my circumstances and of my personality.

Let's look at my goals for the past three weeks.

1. Sleeping.

I have no idea how I'm doing on this, but I'm not doing a great job. I was busy. And I got sick. And there was one night last week where I didn't sleep at all. My guess is I'm still hovering around 25% to 33%. I might have to do some tinkering to get this going in ernest (misspelling intentional out of deference to James Varney, R.I.P.)

2. Reading.

I'm crushing it. Since last reporting I have read, chronologically: Truman, The Wednesday Wars, Change Anything: The New Science to Personal Success, and The Back of the North Wind.

Truman was a masterpiece. Heartbreakingly good. McCullough shifted seamlessly from the intimate and personal to broader global and historical context, and the compelling nature of the story was never lost.


The book has crystal clear, incredible detail, but never seems to get bogged down. The prose is largely without fault--a real accomplishment for a 1,000 page biography--but more impressive still is the great mental effort that went into collecting, sorting, refining, and arranging the pieces.

It's a tapestry of thousands and thousands of threads, laid out and arranged to near perfection.

I seldom gush. Even when people ask me about my favorite books, I will typically address the one or two flaws I found. Not here. I was overwhelmed by the accomplishment, and I can't say anything otherwise.

3. Writing.

I think in the past few weeks I netted two or three pages. Not stellar. In addition to the novel I've been working on, I started a short story about a conversation between a lark and a Catholic priest.

I'm pretty sure Hollywood will want to make the lark/priest story into a full-length motion picture because I've chosen a premise with such universal appeal.

Makes sense.

The First and the Last

When I say coach, I mean Jerry Sloan.


The Original Bull...


The last of the Jazz Legends.


Whenever I say coach, I mean Jerry Sloan.

Full Report

While we're peaking behind curtains, let's look into my brain...


The problem with set up offers, I thought, was that people are not as selective on behalf of others as they are for themselves. I realized quickly that, "I know someone perfect for you," roughly meant, "Hey, I know at least two single people."

So I began nursing a little theory the last week. The idea was that if I sounded picky and demanding enough--like an elitist snob--then I could scare off those without well considered set up recommendations.

While I seriously doubted anyone would make lists of the five smartest and the ten most attractive women she knew, I did think the request would at least inspire something besides the lowest common denominator (single status). I thought I might ensure thoughtful recommendations.

My theory was incorrect. Lesson learned.

Apparently to many people I know this:

Anyone wishing to set me up may do so sans contractual agreement, however, I sincerely ask that you go through three simple steps.

1. Make a list of the five smartest women that you know. ANY women.
2. Make a list of the ten most attractive women that you personally know. ANY women.
3. If any women is on both lists, and is single, and has aspirations for a temple marriage, and is AT LEAST 22.5 years old, I would love to meet her.

Is indistinguishable from this:

Please immediately send me the name of any woman you can think of, whether or not she is in rehab, is more than a decade younger than I am, or you've ever actually met her.

I do not mean to say that everyone I heard from was inconsiderate. I did get nice messages from a few thoughtful friends. However, since Friday night I have received about twenty-five set up offers, and I don't mind saying that most of them have been terrible.

Until I can think of a new and improved policy, I'm going back to the Set Up Contract, effective immediately.

Onto my goals...

1. Bedtime/Wake up goal: 37.5%
2. Book goal: 100% (The Fifth Mountain)
3. Writing goal: 0%

The Set Up II

Here is the current deal:

1. It's the weekend.
2. Despite being brilliant, relatively in shape, financially sound, witty, good looking, and not at all obnoxious...
3. I still have absolutely no plans.

While the rest of you are managing bath night, the changing of diapers, and trying to locate a babysitter for the weekly rekindling of your marital flame, I got nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Let's peak behind the wizard's curtain. Great and terrible, come look at my social life...

January is 20 days old and despite having a full-time job and numerous church responsibilities, I have managed to read about 1,700 pages of books or magazines, watched the seventh season of Monk, am halfway through the eighth season, took a vacation and spent a full day driving in the car, and did it all on my own.


When I wrote my original "Set Up Contract," I intended to suppress offers. It has worked. It has worked very, very well. After more than a year, when faced with the contract only one person has persisted. (And he was disqualified for failing to meet the due diligence clause.)

I'm beginning to think the contract works too well.

Here is the new experiment:

Anyone wishing to set me up may do so sans contractual agreement, however, I sincerely ask that you go through three simple steps.

1. Make a list of the five smartest women that you know. ANY women.
2. Make a list of the ten most attractive women that you personally know. ANY women.
3. If any women is on both lists, and is single, and has aspirations for a temple marriage, and is AT LEAST 22.5 years old, I would love to meet her.

Is this still ridiculous? Yes. Is it demanding and unreasonable? Yes. But I've learned through sad experience that when people want to set me up with a woman, generally the main thing she and I have in common is someone's mutual pity. And that is also ridiculous and unreasonable.

Fire, meet fire.

Book Report II

Maybe this will be the kind of situation where things get worse before they get better.

1. Bedtime/wake-time goal: 20%
2. Reading goal: 100%
3. Writing goal: 83%

This week's book was The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, by David Wroblewski.


It's Hamlet, but with a mute boy and dog farm. It was very good, but the fact remains that when I finished it I thought, "Hey, that wasn't as good as Hamlet but at least it was much, much longer" (562 pages). Therefore, my takeaway is that if you're going to rewrite something, you probably shouldn't pick anything widely considered to be in the top 10%. Stick with the junk the Greeks and Nordic peoples made up.

My favorite scene: In Edgar Sawtelle the "murder play" is staged not by an acting troupe, but by trained dogs carrying syringes in their mouths. As good as Shakespeare was, I think this adaptation is probably closer to his original intent.

Book Report

Turns out my own personal resolution is poor--real low def kind of stuff--like a 1980's jumbo-tron resolution.

Out of ten possible chances to go to bed and wake up at a decent hour, I capitalized three times. 30%. It would make a great batting average, but a terrible free-throw percentage, and I believe in terms of letter grades it's a solid "F."

The bright spot is that I'm 100% in my other goal. I did read a book last week: Men to Match My Mountains.

It is a "biography" of the Far West, meaning California, Nevada, Utah, and Colorado. My favorite moment was when one historian commented that Brigham Young would have been a great man if only he hadn't of been a Mormon. Interesting.


The takeaway from the book was that scoundrels eventually die penniless and/or lonely, while nice guys often live in gradual and consistent crescendo.

I also distinctly saw two kinds of capitalists. There were those who worked tirelessly to provide a benefit to others, and who hoped to take a rightful share of the increase. I like to think of these as value-adding capitalists. Sure, they want a slice of the pie like everyone else--they may even want a very large slice--but rather than take from others, they seek to make the pie bigger. Everyone benefits.

Then there are value-diminishing capitalists. They do not add any benefits, but seek to manipulate the "rules of the game" to redirect capital from others' pockets into their own. They artificially inflate and deflate prices, use tricks to modify demand, limit supply, and frustrate the efforts of competitors. These are the jerks.

It's a good contrast for me to heed since one of my favorite past times is looking for "legal" ways to make board and card games dysfunctional. Heaven help any of the poor suckers who try to play Pit with me.