Rules of Engagement

I have over a decade of experience in dating. Ladies, here are some things I've learned that might help you out. (These are general rules, and I truly hope not to offend--just because the rule is often true, doesn't mean it's true in your case.)

R.1: Is his belt braided and leather? Move on; you can do better.




R.2: If his tips are spiky, frosted, and blond, then throw him back; there's a better fish in the pond.

R.3: If he's wearing any part of the sea, then he's probably not fit for thee.

R.4: If there's a ring on his thumb, he's probably dumb.

Also, don't date a guy who wears his cellphone on his belt, or wears a bluetooth headset throughout the day. I don't have rhymes for those, but, come on, it just makes sense.

Best of Week

Best Conversation:

Me: Oh look! A squirrel... You're a cute little squirrel, aren't you?

S: [Looks and blinks.]

Me: Yes, you are.

S: [Runs away.]


Best Quote:

Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.
-Eric Hoffer


Best Worse Joke I Made Up:

Q. What is a ghost's favorite restaurant?

A. Cafe BooRio.

(A spin-off of joke: Q. What's a Ghost's favorite food? A. Booritos.)


Best Laffy-Taffy Joke:

Q. What do you call a chicken crossing the street?

A. Poultry in motion.


Best Moment Amongst Adults:

Hugging Brian.


Best Moment Amongst Adolescents:

Teaching the teacher's quorum about the Good Samaritan, service to the poor, and fast offerings.


Best Moment Amongst New Borns:

Teaching new nephew, aka Douglass Fredrick Socks, how to escape from the hospital, make it to the freeway, and get to the airport.

Gaming Law

I tend to think in laws lately. It makes for horrible conversation. And I'm likely to pretend like you're saying something your not because you weren't careful enough with your language even though I know full well what you are really talking about and likely agree.

Sorry.

Here is something that is not a conversation that I have ruined:



§ 1-101-Holding
1-101-1: This section, 1-101 et seq., shall be titled "Holding."
1-101-2: It is hereby required that any and all participating parties shall know when to "hold 'em."
(a) Knowledge of when to "hold 'em" share be present in participant before act of holding 'em, and is made manifest by
(1) A correct understanding of the cards, including suit and value, of each of the cards participant holds.
(2) A reasonable assessment of the value of the cards mentioned in §1-101-2(a)(1), whether individually, in aggregate, or in any combination thereof, and an understanding of whether or not those cards are likely to be of superior quality than any other opponents in relation to the size of the amount in controversy.

I could go on...

Heroes and Good Guys

This morning I was thinking about this man:



Captain Chesley Sullenberger III. What a man! What a name! Braving near death, remaining cool under pressure, and saving hundreds of lives in the process. Could this story be any more perfect?

Perhaps.

On the news this morning they were calling him a hero. I was fully on board. But then, after a moments thought, I wished we had another word for this man--some kind of word that meant "a really good guy," or "an individual of far above average constitution."

I'm just not comfortable with a "hero" being thwarted by a small gaggle of geese. I don't want Batman succumbing to a one eyed duck, or Superman getting into scrapes with pelican with a nasty scar on his face. Let's not allow our heroes to run afoul of common foul.

When Sully lands a plan that's been stunned by a death ray, and I think he would, then let's talk "hero."

Best of Week

Best quote I've read in a week:

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence -Robert Frost, United Press International

Best thought I've had in a week:

Once you think you're better than anyone else, acting foolishly and with great impropriety will almost inevitably follow.

Best moment I had in a week:

Watching three of my teachers getting up during fast and testimony meeting.

Best joke I made up in the past week:

Q. What is a dog's least favorite kind of disaster?

A. A CATastrophie.

Best mariner rhyme I made up during the past week:

Red sky at dawn, the buffet line will be long; yellow sky at morn, don't touch Captain's fog horn.

Rice, Rice, Baby

Read Interview with a Vampire over the weekend. It was great. Totally gripping.

This is my favorite excerpt:

"So where do you see yourself in five years," Mr. Flemming asked as he slightly leaned forward over the table. Steven thought about his answer. "Is he on to me?" he wondered. After a moment's pause Steven also leaned forward slightly, gave Mr. Flemming a confident and cold stare, and responded, "I don't know. Drinking blood?"