Sincere Gratitude in Five

Happy Turkey, everyone and all.



The name of the game today is to tell you what I'm grateful for, but not in the once-around-the-table-at-Grandma's-house fashion.

To let the world (all five of you) know that I'm sincere, I'm going to attempt to express true gratitude only for things that I've never heard anyone else be thankful for aloud. Also, I'm not coming up with this list on the spot. That wouldn't be very grateful; brainstorming doesn't really communicate great depths of feeling. So, the second rule is that these are all things that I have actually noted and expressed appreciation for (even if only internally) in the past.

To review:

1. Never heard anyone else be grateful for the following items.
2. Have felt thankful for these items before today.

First, I am truly grateful for the smell of Tide white lilac detergent coupled with Downy lavender dryer sheets. I came across this combination when I was trying to develop a comprehensive smell strategy (CSS) for myself. It works. I love it. I often smell my clothes or blankets and think of how amazing it is that I live in a world where I have such clean and fresh smelling articles. Pre-20th century royalty could not have had it so good.

Second, I am thankful for the smell of old books--like "find it through the card catalog" kind of old books. It's so distinct and makes me feel like there is an exciting world around me still waiting to be discovered, but without the slightest bit of anxiousness or urgency. The books will always be there waiting for me.

Third: modern dentistry. Enough said.




Forth, I absolutely am happy to live in a world with Polo cologne. I don't use it. I can't afford it. And it doesn't fit into the CSS. But this is exactly the prototypical scent and essence of Man--what John Wayne would have smelled like all the time.


Fifth and finally, I am thankful for trunk space. Something about seeing a big, boxy, and deep trunk makes me really happy. I get all excited with the potential of all the things I could pack, stow, and carry, all with the greatest of ease. It's like a bonus car that quietly waits to continually surprise me.

Hodge Podge

These are things I would've mentioned to other human beings, if I was ever around other human beings. There is neither theme nor general cause for interest.


There is a billboard on I-15 northbound as you're coming into Salt Lake. It boasts, "Utah's Fastest Tattoo Removal!"

This claim has zero appeal to me. You know what? Go ahead and take your time. I can stay for fifteen extra minutes. Need me to make another appointment? That's fine. You are super heating and exploding ink in my flesh by use of high powered lasers. Take all the time you need.


I realized the other day that it will be nearly impossible for any woman to live up to the standard of love, devotion, loyalty, and appreciation my dogs have led me to expect.


The dogs are so willing to be fooled by me. They want to believe that I am the best person ever. They need to believe in an all powerful, benevolent master.


A picture of my mother cycled through my screen saver the other day. Something about it stirred my emotions. It's not the best picture of my mother. It's not the greatest likeness of her. It's not even the most emblematic picture of her. So what was it I found so moving? Then I realized, that particular picture reminds me of Abraham Lincoln.


Not in the chin-beard and stove-pipe hat kind of way, but in the lines carved and forged in the crucible of human experience kind of way. She looks patient, kind, good natured, spent in service, wise, and strong.


Also, I just found this:

Californian/Canadian Coping

In-n-Out Burger has spread it's tentacles into my hometown. I'm not really super excited. I like In-n-Out just fine, but it was as much a vacation-novelty as anything. Plus, as nice as it is to have it around, now I'll have to deal with a bunch of sideburned Laker fans and blond girls with big earrings congregating too close to home.


The real upside of this event is that I discovered how much I enjoy saying the name of the burgery in a Canadian accent: En-n-Oot, eh?

It's a small victory, but it's getting me through the day.

(Also, I just invented the word "burgery," which helps.)

The Set Up

I’ve never been set-up—ever—but not for a lack of effort on behalf of a cast of hundreds of well-meaning family, friends, and acquaintances. Years ago attempted matchmaking was an occurrence, and usually only when the conversation turned to dating and singleness. Now attempts at matchmaking are a regularity, often coming in sneak attacks and out of context.

INT. A NON-DESCRIPT HALLWAY. COULD BE AT AN OFFICE, SCHOOL, OR CHURCH—DAY

DANIEL is simply standing, minding his own business. BETTY a woman 5-10 years older than and previously unknown to DANIEL, walks abruptly up to him.

BETTY

Hi, I don’t know we’ve met. I’m Betty. Are you single?

DANIEL

Hi. Uh... Maybe?

I had a set-up offer two days ago. I had one the day before that. I will probably get one later this week.

There are two theories at play to explain this market phenomenon. First, as I grow older I become more refined, mature, educated, and dignified. People want friends or family to end up with a catch like me—a man with a good chin, five weeks away from being a Juris Doctor, not addicted to video games, and willing to change a toilet paper roll. The second theory is much simpler and Occam approved: pity positively correlates with growing age and continued single status.


I suppose it doesn’t have to be one or the other. In any particular instance I could be the latter and the sacrificial woman the former, vice versa, or any combination thereof. The point is, regardless of the reason for this sea change of intermeddling I’m in a new economy, for the first time I am considering breaking from my hard and fast no-set-up rule.

Although I don’t relish the idea of an awkward date, what I really dislike about the notion of getting set-up are the potential third-party ramifications. I’ve seen other gals and guys be set up by friends; I’ve seen those gals and guys dislike the date; and for various reasons, the matchmaking friend takes this rejection as a form of first-person insult.



To avoid, mitigate, or assuage these potential collateral conflicts, I’m working on a contract. The idea is anyone who wants to set me up will be dissuaded—perhaps winnowing out the less serious and thoughtful—or will be pre-advised of all the ways this could go wrong, and avoid potential future shock.

Without further ado, here is my first attempt to draft what started as a joke and is now a semi-unfortunate possibility.

PREAMBLE

I, __________________, have proposed to arrange a meeting between DANIEL STAKER (hereafter “DS”) and a female previously unknown (hereafter “FPU”) to DS, for the purpose of inter-personal acquaintanceship, which, if found agreeable to both parties, may develop into romantic involvement that may or may not result in monogamous dating or marriage.

In attempting to set-up DS, I am assuming a fiduciary role with DS, and, as such, in this capacity I am bound to act according to the best interests of DS. Accordingly, I will make every attempt to uphold the quality of my current relationship with DS, and will explicitly respect his judgment and wishes, whether or not his judgments are explained or merely implicit.

Accordingly, I agree to each and all of the following terms, jointly and severally.

TERMS

1. I know and expect DS will thoroughly scrutinize FPU.
2. I know and expect DS’s judgments regarding and evaluations of FPU will be critical, may either be made almost immediately or after thorough investigation.
3. I understand and diligently support DS’s right to dislike, be disinterested in, be annoyed by, or simply not appreciate FPU for any reason whatsoever.
4. I understand DS may find FPU is unattractive, ugly, homely, or just alright.
5. I understand DS may find FPU is unintelligent, stupid, uninteresting, or just alright.
6. I understand DS will scrutinize FPU’s goals, morals, and values.
7. I understand that DS is not concerned with general principles of fairness and tolerance in the arena of dating and intimate relationships; DS believes dating is about personal fit, not general acceptance, and discrimination will occur.
8. Though DS will not act with malice, I understand DS may do something to hurt FPU’s feelings, make FPU cry, or otherwise frustrate or anger FPU.
9. I assert that I have a substantial reason for thinking it would be favorable for DS to get to know and date FPU.
a. A “substantial reason” is herein defined as possessing knowledge or strong and reasonable suspicion that both DS and FPU mutually hold material facts, attributes, or other characteristics generally considered important to a intimate relationship.
i. Substantial reasons include, but are not limited to, intelligence, goals, lifestyles, unique shared interests, and similar senses of humor.
ii. Substantial reasons do not include, and are not limited to, mutual singleness, height, shared religious membership by record, legal education, or any physical similarities.
iii. If it is not clear whether a reason is substantial, insubstantiality is presumed, and DS reserves final judgment as to all questions of substantiality.
10. I understand DS is under no obligation to disclose any details of any meetings, conversations, interactions, or lack thereof, between DS and FPU with me, any of my agents, or anyone at all.
11. I understand DS has no obligation to defend, justify, or explain any meetings, conversations, interactions, or lack thereof, between DS and FPU with me, any of my agents, or anyone at all.
12. I understand and accept without any personal offense that DS may not trust my judgment, taste, assessments, or advice, and may flatly reject any and all of the aforementioned without explanation, and may do forthrightly and without normal obligations of tact.
13. I will undertake every possible effort to avoid offense where offense was not intended, and will not allow myself to take offense on behalf of FPU.
14. I realize DS may be bad at handling relationships, and will be sympathetic to his inept actions and inactions.
15. I will not assume malice on the part of DS where none is explicitly expressed.
16. I will not side with FPU on any issue in dispute, but will remember that relationships are complicated, stories are inevitably one-sided, and perspectives are limited.
17. By signing this agreement I agree that all of my agents will also be herein bound thereby.
18. I hereby waive my right to appeal this agreement or have this agreement reviewed by any court of law, state authority, mediator, arbitrator, or any authority other than DS.
19. I hereby waive all civil claims associated with this agreement, short of gross negligence, and realize that I am receiving nothing in consideration for the waiving of such rights but the privilege of arranging a meeting with DS and FPU.
20. I consent that this agreement may not be altered except by consent of both parties, consisting of DS and myself.

EXECUTION

Signed on this the ____ day of _________, in the year ______, by:


X _______________________

Witnessed and approved as to form by:


X _______________________
Daniel Staker

Dog Stars

While (as mentioned) I don't really care for reality tv, I do really care about dogs, particularly my dogs, and I love a good competition.

That, along with a bumpy childhood, may help explain why I've been trying to come up with a format for a reality-show-esque competition for my dogs. Meet the contenders:



On the left we have Ms. Gretel, a mutt with moxie, the brown tiger. (Not to be confused with this guy...)

On the right is Mr. Myshkin, 21 pounds of Jack-attack. (Not to be confused with this guy...)



I am trying to think up some challenges and a way to turn them against each other for my amusement, but intrigue is a hard thing to teach a dog.

It may be a good thing I don't have children. However, if I did have kids, I wouldn't be tempted to make my own nativity pageant with canines. Lest you think I'm kidding, check out the shepherd prototype.



You cannot imagine how much this warms my heart, but, do not fear, I've told myself I won't let it go past shepherds and donkeys.

8 & 9

I watched Caveman this very weekend.



It was a mistake and I'm forever done watching Caveman. "O come on Ringo, you were a Beatle!"