Friday, April 23, 2010

The Future is Now



This is the day your life will surely change...



Anyone of average intelligence can invent a joke, but only a genius can create a whole new species of joke. Bring your kids into the room. Take a picture of you and today's newspaper in front of your computer screen. Comedy will never be the same.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Ring-Ring Joke.

As you might suspect, it is of the Knock-Knock Joke genus, and goes as follows:

Amuser: Ring-Ring

Amusee: How may I direct your call?


Amuser: (Set up goes here.)


Amusee: To which (repeats set up).


Amuser: (Hilarious punchline.)



Some of your old Knock-Knocks are immediately compatible:

Ring-ring...

How may I direct your call?

To banana.

To which banana?

Ring-ring...

Etc.

Other Knock-Knocks are not compatible:

Ring-ring...

How may I direct your call?

To I-eap.

To which I-eap?

Uh...

Some old Knock-Knocks will take on a whole new flavor:

Ring-ring...

How may I direct your call?

To the Interruptive Cow.

To which Interruptive Cow?

To Dennis Hasting, that jerk in the Sales Department.

But mostly this new genre is a blank canvess:

Ring-ring...

How may I direct your call?

To Is.

To which is?

To whichis (riches) beyond youw (your) wildest imagination!

Now go and do thou likewise...

Monday, March 22, 2010

Reverse Engineering



I thought of a new joke...


No, that's not right.


I thought of a new punchline...


Ready?


Ready?


Here goes:


Smells like Byzantine spirit!



Or maybe it's just turkey I'm smelling...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Some things you probably haven't thought of in a while...

Squirrel Nut Zippers
Napster
Roots Berets


Hale-Bopp
Mmmbop
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm


Sega Genesis
That old guy in Arrested Development (the band) that danced
Arrested Development (the band)


Giga Pets
The Club
Ramblin' Rootbeer


Rasta
Chums
"Not the Momma!"


That's enough. That's more than enough.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Hard Crowd's Bathroom

This morning I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day ahead when I saw a large, very long legged spider on the floor next to me. The bolt of inspiration struck from parts beyond, and I reflexively leaned over and said in my best Paul’s grandfather’s voice: “I betchya you’re a good skimmer!”



The spider didn’t laugh. At all.

I started to worry that I had offended her with the anti-feminism reference. But maybe she had just never seen A Hard Day’s Night.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Cupid's Arrow Lost

Miss...
Hey Miss...

You don't go to Target on a Saturday night.
_____It might truly break your heart--

couples clogging aisles, holding hands,
_____and you don't have any man.

No, you shouldnta' come to Target on a Saturday night,
_____pensively pushing your quiet cart.

That woman has more kids than she can handle on her own,
_____but you might die in your apartment all alone.

Yes, I'm sorry you came to Target on a Saturday night,
_____with your already tired and aching heart,

unescorted by anyone else...
All by yourself.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Confessionzz: My Unauthorized Autobiography

Chapter One: From Birth to After Birth

Nearly thirty years ago, at 4:32PM on a Tuesday in June, the human race gained ten pounds. I remember the day and specific time because I was rooting around my parent's bedroom and found my birth certificate while I was in elementary school child. In those days, TV's Night Court was in syndication on Fox; it happened to air on Tuesday's at 4:30.



"Great," I thought to myself. "I was born in time for Night Court." And the details of my arrival have remained with me since.

To some people this might seem precocious. I would've agreed, until I watched an episode in my adulthood. Then I wondered what was wrong with my father, who used to watch with me, on occasions when I wasn't rummaging through his drawers. Maybe there was nothing wrong. Perhaps it was merely a simpler time. Though I do like to think of myself as precocious...

I was born breech. This has always made sense to me, and if I were president of the baby's union this would be standard practice. Not only does it seem more reasonable spatially, but it strikes me as cautious. Adults would never go head-first into a void. My parents didn't even want me going head-first down the slide. And yet we expect babies to be forced out of the only world they've ever known, to heaven knows what awaits beyond, head-leading-the-way.

Even if only as an act of self-expression, arriving breech strikes me as having value.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Christmas Wish Comes True

After more than a decade of lyrical pleading, singer Mariah Carey received the gift she really wanted: local resident Daniel Staker.



Maria first publicly asked for possession of Staker in 1994 with her hit holiday single "All I Want for Christmas is You."

"When [producers] first came to me about making a Christmas album, I wasn't really sure," said the now 39 year old Carey. "It was one of those times where you have to take time out and ask yourself what you really want." For the five-time Grammy winner, the answer was surprising. "It was like the only thing I really didn't have in my life was a skinny, fourteen year old Mormon boy. Once I realized that, [the song] came together, and the rest of the album just kind of sprung up around it."

Despite Carey's considerable means and desire, negotiations were slowed because Staker was a minor. "The parties came to terms on a basic agreement," a former attorney for Carey said, "but legally there was an impasse. There simply aren't too many options for women approaching 30 who are looking to buy 14 year old boys in this country."

Negotiations resumed when Staker turned 18, only to be put on hold for a two-year Mormon proselyting mission. "When he said he was going I was disappointed,"admitted Carey. "We were so close to an agreement. But it was all part of a journey of learning for me. I found out if you're going to try and buy a skinny Mormon boy, waiting for him to serve a Mormon mission is a part of it."

While serving for his church, Staker did not have regular telephone or email access, and all contact was lost with Carey and her agents.

In 2001 Staker came back to Utah, and in 2002 he started the seven year process of becoming a lawyer. "It was a busy time," said Staker. "There were days when I thought about Mariah, but I was mostly focused on my classes, hanging out with friends, [and] stuff like that."

It seemed Carey's wish would never be fulfilled, and she had all but given up, when Staker recently heard her song on the radio. "I had just graduated in December [of 2009]," Staker commented, "when I heard her song come on the radio. It brought a lot of memories back, and finally everything just felt right. So I called Mariah up..."

"I couldn't believe it," Carey remarked. "It was a dream come true, like a kind of Christmas miracle."

After a few weeks of working out all the details, deed for possession was finally presented to Carey. Her long wait was over.

Terms of the sale were not disclosed.