High Resolutions

Hey America (Brian)--

Here are my resolutions for 2011:

1. Go to bed by 11:30 on "school nights" and get up at 6:30 on "school days."
2. Read fifty-two books.
3. Write 150 pages in my own book.


Feel free to follow up with me and hold me accountable.

Christmas Carol--Act One

I'm a man who has a lot of notebooks. And almost every one of those notebooks has a few lines from a few Christmas carols inside. The accumulation of verse fragments happens in a seven-step process (obviously).

Step one: I'll be sitting somewhere minding my own business.

Step two: I hear a Christmas song.

Step three: I think it's pleasant enough.

Step four: But then I really start paying attention.

Step five: And before too long a line comes along that cuts me straight through.

Step six: When that happens I feel like I have to do something.

Step seven: So I pull out a notebook and write the line down.

So, Brian, here are some fragments. I hope this adds some festivity to your Holiday Season.

No more will sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground.
He'll come and make the blessings flow
Far as the curse was found.

In a vision Ezekiel saw water flowing from underneath the temple toward the baron, inhospitable, desert wilderness to the east.

The Dead Sea valley is as cursed as a place as there can be. On the west it's buffeted by a wall of mountains that trap storms and needed precipitation on the eastern side. The valley itself is physically and likely metaphorically the lowest place on earth. Not only does nothing live in the water--which has so much salt and heavy metals that an 8 oz. glass of it would kill most grown men--but nothing lives in the valley. Period.


Yet, returning to what Ezekiel saw, as the Living Water flowed from the temple--the house of Living Waters--and cut a path to the Dead Sea, trees began to grow, animals returned, fish came and flourished, and all life was restored as the waters and valley were healed.

He will come and make blessing flow everywhere the curse is found. I'm so grateful for that Holy Infant.

A Space Pleasantry

Ground Control to Major Tom:
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.

(Ten...) Ground Control (Nine...) to Major Tom: (Eight...)
(Seven, six...) Commencing countdown (Five); engines on. (Four...)
(Three, two...) Check ignition (One...) and may God's (Blastoff!) love be with you.


This is Ground Control to Major Tom:
You've really made the grade!
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear...
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you feel comfortable.

This is Major Tom to Ground Control:
Thanks. They are Van Heusen's...

Okay, now I'm stepping through the door,
and I'm bringing back the most delightful souvenirs.
Anyone want a moon shot glass? Or space spoon?
Oh! Planet Earth is blue!

Roger, that's earth alright.

Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles, I'm feeling very still.
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go.

Copy that. That would be the ship's automated piloting program.

Oh, well, it's very helpful.
Hey, will you tell my wife I love her very much?

Roger. Will do... Okay, we're sending her the text message... now!

Ground Control to Major Tom:
Your circuit's dead, but the auxillary circuit has taken over.
You know this ship has more than 500 backup systems?

Do you copy, Major Tom?
Can you hear me Major Tom?

Yep, I am just sitting up here in my "ol' tin can" far above the moon.
Planet Earth is blue, it's really very pretty, and I was distracted for a bit.

How to Be Perfectly Miserable

It's not all fun and games around here. In fact, it's not any fun and games around here. Let's get down to business; I'm kind of an expert, and I have a lot of ground to cover.

1. Develop your sense of entitlement.
Constantly reflect on the things society, God, family, and friends owe you. If you're on the fence about any particular thing, count it. You don't have to be right; you just have to be sure. Start your day with a few minutes meditation on all the things others need to do for you. End your day by reflecting on all the ways those in your life have disappointed you and failed your expectations.


2. Never forgive nor forget.
Now that others are constantly disappointing you, hold grudges like playing cards--fan them out wide so you can always see them and keep them close to your heart. Why should you stop being bothered by something today just because it happened in the past? Every offense against you can be carried like an arrow in the quiver, and you may need the ammunition later on when someone asks you for a favor, addresses one of your flaws, or tries to redeem himself. Be vigilant; people have a nasty habit of trying to improve themselves despite being horrible.

Don't be suckered into believing others can change or that you might be wrong about them--if you let up for one moment, they may escape out from under your thumb. Take offense where none was intended. Feed your paranoia. And never miss a chance to make assumptions that reflect poorly on the intentions of others.

3. Compare Yourself to Others.
Match your best qualities to the worst qualities of others. This will reassure you that you are better than everyone else, thus strengthening your sense of entitlement and justifying your grudges. If you come up against someone who manages to outshine you, reverse your strategy and compare your worst attributes to their best attributes. This will make you feel terribly bad about yourself, and that will make hating them easier, which will also keep the fires of entitlement and resentment burning.

4. But Do Not Think of Others.
Here is where it can get complicated. While you are encouraged to think about grudges and traits, don't get caught up thinking about the people behind the disgruntlements and attributes. Thinking of others can lead to losing your sense of entitlement. Being perfectly miserable is a balancing act and there are a lot of ways to find yourself accidentally happy--don't lean so far toward other people that you can no longer stay self-centered.

Accidental moments of happiness will occur most frequently when you are focused on family, friends, or neighbors. If you ever find yourself losing your balance, return to center by asking, "What's in this for me?"

5. Isolate Yourself.
If you fill your house with stuff and things, you will have no need for people. Spend as much time as possible alone watching TV, surfing the internet, playing video games, or reading celebrity gossip magazines. When a human calls you, let them go to voice mail.

If those around you relentlessly try to break your isolation, then use impersonal means of communication to placate them---catch up with friends on a social networking site instead of in real life, or reply via text message. When you must interact with others, do it in the most dehumanizing way possible---see if you can strip people of facial expressions, body language, tone, and other cues that might make them relatable. Once you allow an individual to become a human, you run the risk of identifying and even (shudder) sympathizing with her. This will make steps 1-4 much more difficult. If you find yourself getting caught up in humanizing others, try using people as objects. Philandering can be helpful here. Have a relationship with a man because of his income, or be intimate with a woman strictly because of her body. Stereotypes can only help. Staying shallow avoids entanglement.


6. Avoid Dealing with Problems.
This is the sister principle to personal isolation. Dealing with problems can lead to forgiveness, improvement, relief, and other positive feelings. Never respond to a voice message unless you have to. If you get something in the mail that needs your attention or might inconvenience you, throw it away--you won't have to deal with it once it's in the garbage. Ignore bills, duck responsibility, don't clean up after yourself, etc. If it sounds, smells, or looks like work, hide from it. If you cannot hide, start by doing the least you can.

If someone does something you do not like, don't address the problem. Let it fester. If that person insists on talking, make him disposable---block him from your phone, filter his emails, pretend your not at home when he stops by, etc. Eat the orange and throw out the peel--once you've gotten all you want from another, the moment a relationship becomes difficult instead of fun, toss it out of your life.

7. Lose Your Freedom.
The ability to choose and to act for yourself can be dangerous, because you never know when it might lead to a feeling of accomplishment. Be creative. We all know people who are slaves to debt, drugs, and alcohol. These are good places to start, but there are so many other ways to bind yourself in chains.

Make it a point to avoid education and hold to ignorance. Assume your political party is always right, and let it make up your mind for you lest you should be open to new ideas. Try being overweight and out of shape. A pornography or sex addiction can be particularly helpful, because it limits autonomy and dehumanizes others. Don't keep a regular sleeping schedule so you can be tired all the time. Not only will this help to prevent you from leaving the house, helping others, or doing work, but you typically make your worst decisions when you're tired, and a miserable life is built one bad decision at a time.

Perfection in any area isn't easy to achieve, but you may only be seven steps away from being perfectly miserable. And then won't life be great?

A Cautionary Tale

Magpie by name;
mocking bird by métier.

Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!
Can't!___Get!___Me!

Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!
Oh!____Too!___Slow!

Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!
Neener!_Neener!...

CHOMP!

O' Magpie, Magpie,
mocking bird by métier,

didn't you know?
Wasn't it clear?

The Jack Russell Terrier
NEVER quits--by métier.

30 Years After Birth

This could only mean one thing...


It's birthday time in White City. Let us celebrate appropriately with an artistic interpretation of my grand entrance into life, staged at the White Towers Pool. (Not to be confused with the skin-head billiards hall, "White Power Pool.")

Here:
Birthdayvaganza!
June 5th, 2010 at 3:00 PM
White Towers Pool
White City, UT

In years past it has always cost $2. I assume it will be about the same this year. Bring food if you want to eat food. Maybe we'll all get pot lucky. I'm thinking of bringing pizza (cheap), or possibly hot dogs (cheaper), but I'm not sure if they will let me bring in a grill or not.

Call if you want a food assignment. 801.831.5905

And bring who you will, but let's keep this PG; I'll have nieces and nephews there.

To My Beloved Class of 2010:

To my beloved Class of 2010:

Our time together has been marked by sacrifice. The cost of our enlightenment has been significant, perhaps even severe, and each one of us has keenly felt the loss of money, sleep, confidence, and days that might have been spent in a million ways more pleasant. For three years frustration, anxiety, and tedium have been near-constant companions, while success and approbation have been fleeting, impossible to long savor. At times this disparity has seemed unjust, even cruel. Yet this inequity that has caused so much disgruntled murmuring and created so much nagging self-doubt, has provided the crucible that helped forge our minds and character.

Contrary to belief, trial by ordeal has not been eliminated from the justice system; it has merely been removed from defendants and applied to law students. Like millstones around our necks, teachers added one more book to the load, one more concept to our mind, one more review to the schedule. Through reserves of strength previously unknown, we refused to sink under the burden. We survived. And today we are assumed innocent, free from charges of inadequacy and ignorance.

There will undoubtedly be trials ahead; life will guarantee each of us many additional days of grief and worry. But today is sacred. Today is our day—the day we have worked and longed and struggled for. Today we must neither succumb to doubt nor let any untoward thought corrupt what we have earned. Today we are absolutely the wonderful, capable, strong, bright, and beautiful people we always suspected or hoped we might be.

As we enjoy ourselves, let us be fair with praise earned by others and remember the right to celebrate is not ours alone. Every member of our Class has been helped by a professor willing to clarify, re-clarify, and clarify again, or by a staff member who patiently answered our repeated inane questions. We are opinionated and assertive people, and our family and friends can attest that law students do not always make the best company. Therefore, all the more remarkable that the S.J. Quinney College of Law has been a gracious host.

Having mentioned friends and family, we must also recognize all the spouses who have felt neglected, and all the children and companions who lost our time, attention, and interest to books. To those who willingly, or even begrudgingly, laid money, vacations, evening plans, and other quality moments on the altar of law school, we offer our sincere gratitude.

With all those who have paid dearly for this moment, let us now embrace our accomplishment and fully accept the honor it is our right to have bestowed upon us: we are doctors of law.

Inasmuch as we have assumed this distinction through sacrifice, let us reverence that sacrifice by permanently committing to the root of our scholarly devotion, and ever give ourselves to the law.

With such a broad call to dedication, I do not speak of the law as statutes or a list of rules. Rather I speak of an ideal—the beautiful and holy concept that allows women and men of every generation and origin to be free from the dictates of king, tyrant, state, cleric, god, or devil. To allow an individual the freedom to act for himself reasonably assured of the result is to give him his full and true humanity, and that is law.

Accordingly, as practioners of the law, we are entrusted with a great responsibility. To be worthy we must sometimes literally, but always figuratively, both prosecute and defend. In the worship of power and profit, there will inevitably be some aiming to turn people into property, humanity into holdings, and justice into jetsam. The call here extended to us, the responsibility attendant with our rights, is to unwaveringly stand between humankind and anyone who would seek to desecrate law.

The law must be true and reliable; it must be our constant. Governments will rise and fall, markets will ebb and flow. Floods, earthquakes, calamities, and death will come without our consent. Life is full of things we did not create and cannot control. But the law is ours—we are now its stewards and we must unfailingly tend to it.

For each of us a day will come when we will hold some element of pure law in our hands—for someone, somewhere, we will be able to ensure or restore her most precious humanity. I believe our lifetime’s will see “that special moment when [fate figuratively taps us] on the shoulder to do a special thing unique to [us] and fitted to [our] talents.

“What a tragedy if that moment finds [us] unprepared[,] unqualified[, or uncommitted] for the work [that would have otherwise been our] finest hour.”

May it never be so said of the Class of 2010. May we always be counted worthy of the sacrifices we now commemorate.

Thank you.

(S.J. Quinney College of Law commencement, May 14, 2010.)

Immortal Beloved

Sunrise. Sunset. Of course the winding down of another NBA season has me contemplating my own fanaticism and death.



With no further explanation, I give you my collection of inscriptions for Jazz tombstones:


"Stockton to God."


"A gentle push, a mild arc, and the cow-hide Hundley hits home."

And last, but not least, the Mailman in his own words...



"Karl Malone Dead."

The Future is Now

This is the day your life will surely change...

(Make sure your speakers are on, right click on this
link, select open in a new tab, leave the tab open,
then switch back to this tab and continue reading.)

Anyone of average intelligence can invent a joke, but only a genius can create a whole new species of joke. Bring your kids into the room. Take a picture of you and today's newspaper in front of your computer screen. Comedy will never be the same.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Ring-Ring Joke.

As you might suspect, it is of the Knock-Knock Joke genus, and goes as follows:

Amuser: Ring-Ring

Amusee: How may I direct your call?

Amuser: (Set up goes here.)

Amusee: To which (repeats set up).

Amuser: (Hilarious punchline.)


Some of your old Knock-Knocks are immediately compatible:

Ring-ring...

How may I direct your call?

To banana.

To which banana?

Ring-ring...

Etc.

Other Knock-Knocks are not compatible:

Ring-ring...

How may I direct your call?

To I-eap.

To which I-eap?

Uh...

Some old Knock-Knocks will take on a whole new flavor:

Ring-ring...

How may I direct your call?

To the Interruptive Cow.

To which Interruptive Cow?

To Dennis Hasting, that jerk in the Sales Department.

But mostly this new genre is a blank canvess:

Ring-ring...

How may I direct your call?

To Is.

To which is?

To whichis (riches) beyond youw (your) wildest imagination!

Now go and do thou likewise...

Reverse Engineering

I thought of a new joke...


No, that's not right.


I thought of a new punchline...


Ready?


Ready?


Here goes:


Smells like Byzantine spirit!



Or maybe it's just turkey I'm smelling...

Some things you probably haven't thought of in a while...

Squirrel Nut Zippers
Napster
Roots Berets


Hale-Bopp
Mmmbop
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm


Sega Genesis
That old guy in Arrested Development (the band) that danced
Arrested Development (the band)


Giga Pets
The Club
Ramblin' Rootbeer


Rasta
Chums
"Not the Momma!"


That's enough. That's more than enough.

A Hard Crowd's Bathroom

This morning I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day ahead when I saw a large, very long legged spider on the floor next to me. The bolt of inspiration struck from parts beyond, and I reflexively leaned over and said in my best Paul’s grandfather’s voice: “I betchya you’re a good skimmer!”



The spider didn’t laugh. At all.

I started to worry that I had offended her with the anti-feminism reference. But maybe she had just never seen A Hard Day’s Night.

Cupid's Arrow Lost

Miss...
Hey Miss...

You don't go to Target on a Saturday night.
_____It might truly break your heart--

couples clogging aisles, holding hands,
_____and you don't have any man.

No, you shouldnta' come to Target on a Saturday night,
_____pensively pushing your quiet cart.

That woman has more kids than she can handle on her own,
_____but you might die in your apartment all alone.

Yes, I'm sorry you came to Target on a Saturday night,
_____with your already tired and aching heart,

unescorted by anyone else...
All by yourself.

Confessionzz: My Unauthorized Autobiography

Chapter One: From Birth to After Birth

Nearly thirty years ago, at 4:32PM on a Tuesday in June, the human race gained ten pounds. I remember the day and specific time because I was rooting around my parent's bedroom and found my birth certificate while I was in elementary school child. In those days, TV's Night Court was in syndication on Fox; it happened to air on Tuesday's at 4:30.



"Great," I thought to myself. "I was born in time for Night Court." And the details of my arrival have remained with me since.

To some people this might seem precocious. I would've agreed, until I watched an episode in my adulthood. Then I wondered what was wrong with my father, who used to watch with me, on occasions when I wasn't rummaging through his drawers. Maybe there was nothing wrong. Perhaps it was merely a simpler time. Though I do like to think of myself as precocious...

I was born breech. This has always made sense to me, and if I were president of the baby's union this would be standard practice. Not only does it seem more reasonable spatially, but it strikes me as cautious. Adults would never go head-first into a void. My parents didn't even want me going head-first down the slide. And yet we expect babies to be forced out of the only world they've ever known, to heaven knows what awaits beyond, head-leading-the-way.

Even if only as an act of self-expression, arriving breech strikes me as having value.

Christmas Wish Comes True

After more than a decade of lyrical pleading, singer Mariah Carey received the gift she really wanted: local resident Daniel Staker.

Maria first publicly asked for possession of Staker in 1994 with her hit holiday single "All I Want for Christmas is You."

"When [producers] first came to me about making a Christmas album, I wasn't really sure," said the now 39 year old Carey. "It was one of those times where you have to take time out and ask yourself what you really want." For the five-time Grammy winner, the answer was surprising. "It was like the only thing I really didn't have in my life was a skinny, fourteen year old Mormon boy. Once I realized that, [the song] came together, and the rest of the album just kind of sprung up around it."

Despite Carey's considerable means and desire, negotiations were slowed because Staker was a minor. "The parties came to terms on a basic agreement," a former attorney for Carey said, "but legally there was an impasse. There simply aren't too many options for women approaching 30 who are looking to buy 14 year old boys in this country."

Negotiations resumed when Staker turned 18, only to be put on hold for a two-year Mormon proselyting mission. "When he said he was going I was disappointed,"admitted Carey. "We were so close to an agreement. But it was all part of a journey of learning for me. I found out if you're going to try and buy a skinny Mormon boy, waiting for him to serve a Mormon mission is a part of it."

While serving for his church, Staker did not have regular telephone or email access, and all contact was lost with Carey and her agents.

In 2001 Staker came back to Utah, and in 2002 he started the seven year process of becoming a lawyer. "It was a busy time," said Staker. "There were days when I thought about Mariah, but I was mostly focused on my classes, hanging out with friends, [and] stuff like that."

It seemed Carey's wish would never be fulfilled, and she had all but given up, when Staker recently heard her song on the radio. "I had just graduated in December [of 2009]," Staker commented, "when I heard her song come on the radio. It brought a lot of memories back, and finally everything just felt right. So I called Mariah up..."

"I couldn't believe it," Carey remarked. "It was a dream come true, like a kind of Christmas miracle."

After a few weeks of working out all the details, deed for possession was finally presented to Carey. Her long wait was over.

Terms of the sale were not disclosed.