Friday, September 30, 2011

Signs of Aging

For me the signs of aging aren't so much the appearance of wrinkles or my north-climbing hairline. The clear mileposts are coming from within.



Here is today's proof that I am becoming an old man:

1. I'm really bothered that young people don't know how to write a letter and have never learned the flower of speech.

2. I just used the phrases "young people" and "flower of speech." I also commonly use the phrases "belle of the ball," "bee's knees," "gangbusters," and "picture show."

3. The office manger did not understand my Magnum P.I. costume.

4. My posture is at 60 degrees.

5. I'm now invited to more funerals than wedding receptions.

6. I'm constantly in dress socks, and have begun mixing dress socks with casual clothes because I can't be bothered to bend low enough to solve the problem.

8. I assume your on drugs.

9. Spokesmen and women are no longer recognizable.

10. Much of my day is spent loudly talking at the technology around me.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Fall Social





Invite Friends. Pass Along.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Blogspot Confessional

These are things I have been holding in and I'm here to unburden myself. There are no crimes, only things I haven't shared.


1. I'm sorry Person X, but I find your endless and unrelenting cheerfulness and optimism uninteresting. Some things are worth recognizing as unfortunate.

2. Person Y, your enthusiasm for the Color Code is a huge turn off. Must every conversation come back to reds, blues, yellows, and whites, and is that really how you want to understand the world?

3. I was a ten-pound baby, and not the slightest bit chubby, I had no hair until I was four, I slept in cardboard boxes, and my dad has never once changed a diaper. This should explain a few things.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Pancakes

Scout Master Bob* once told me, "Always remember no matter how thin the pancake, there are always two sides." Then he told a story about how he thought his wife misplaced something, there was some kind of marital discord, and, lo and behold, the item had actually fallen behind the dresser.

I've remembered that throughout the years because I've never seen someone be so darn serious when talking about pancakes.


But I do like pancakes as a symbol for duality. Even if they weren't (basically) two-sided, they are an item that inherently lends themselves to mixed feelings. As Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.) once said, "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're [darn-tooting] sick of 'em."

Yes, pancakes are two-sided all around.

In the spirit of pancakes, here are two things I have mixed feelings about.

Old People

I love the way old ladies grab the underside of my elbow. I don't know why they do this, but they do, and it's great.

I'm not so much a fan of the way old men often shake my hand throughout the length of a conversation.

Movers and Shakers

I love seeing people out and about walking, running, and biking. It gives a neighborhood energy and I'm all about activity.

I'm not so much a fan of the large people I'm seeing on bicycles these days. Yes, get out and ride a bike. Yes, burn some calories in a low-impact way. No, you don't need to dawn the neck-to-knee spandex. Aerodynamics is neither a factor nor flattering.

*Whose real name was Kerry, but whom we so unrelentingly called "Scout Master Bob" that when later speaking to our church congregation he was announced as "Scout Master Bob." Shortly thereafter he moved.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Holding Up My End: A Public Service Announcement

In case you grew up the same TV shows and movies as I did, allow me to tell you (from my experience) what things have held up well to the test of time and what things have not.

Held Up

1. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
2. Ghost Busters
3. The first few seasons of Law and Order (before anyone really good looking was in the cast)
4. Raising Arizona
5. Pee Wee's Big Adventure

Not Held Up

1. Opportunity Knocks
2. Ghost Busters II
3. Ghost Busters III
4. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
5. Alf

On the Line

1. Wayne's World II
2. Regarding Henry
3. News Radio
4. Mathew Broderick (generally)
5. Twin Peaks

Unknown

1. Willow
2. Night Court
3. Mash
4. In Living Color
5. The New Twilight Zone