The Fall Social

Invite Friends. Pass Along.

Blogspot Confessional

These are things I have been holding in and I'm here to unburden myself. There are no crimes, only things I haven't shared.

1. I'm sorry Person X, but I find your endless and unrelenting cheerfulness and optimism uninteresting. Some things are worth recognizing as unfortunate.

2. Person Y, your enthusiasm for the Color Code is a huge turn off. Must every conversation come back to reds, blues, yellows, and whites, and is that really how you want to understand the world?

3. I was a ten-pound baby, and not the slightest bit chubby, I had no hair until I was four, I slept in cardboard boxes, and my dad has never once changed a diaper. This should explain a few things.

Pancakes

Scout Master Bob* once told me, "Always remember no matter how thin the pancake, there are always two sides." Then he told a story about how he thought his wife misplaced something, there was some kind of marital discord, and, lo and behold, the item had actually fallen behind the dresser.

I've remembered that throughout the years because I've never seen someone be so darn serious when talking about pancakes.


But I do like pancakes as a symbol for duality. Even if they weren't (basically) two-sided, they are an item that inherently lends themselves to mixed feelings. As Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.) once said, "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're [darn-tooting] sick of 'em."

Yes, pancakes are two-sided all around.

In the spirit of pancakes, here are two things I have mixed feelings about.

Old People

I love the way old ladies grab the underside of my elbow. I don't know why they do this, but they do, and it's great.

I'm not so much a fan of the way old men often shake my hand throughout the length of a conversation.

Movers and Shakers

I love seeing people out and about walking, running, and biking. It gives a neighborhood energy and I'm all about activity.

I'm not so much a fan of the large people I'm seeing on bicycles these days. Yes, get out and ride a bike. Yes, burn some calories in a low-impact way. No, you don't need to dawn the neck-to-knee spandex. Aerodynamics is neither a factor nor flattering.

*Whose real name was Kerry, but whom we so unrelentingly called "Scout Master Bob" that when later speaking to our church congregation he was announced as "Scout Master Bob." Shortly thereafter he moved.

Holding Up My End: A Public Service Announcement

In case you grew up the same TV shows and movies as I did, allow me to tell you (from my experience) what things have held up well to the test of time and what things have not.

Held Up

1. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
2. Ghost Busters
3. The first few seasons of Law and Order (before anyone really good looking was in the cast)
4. Raising Arizona
5. Pee Wee's Big Adventure

Not Held Up

1. Opportunity Knocks
2. Ghost Busters II
3. Ghost Busters III
4. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
5. Alf

On the Line

1. Wayne's World II
2. Regarding Henry
3. News Radio
4. Mathew Broderick (generally)
5. Twin Peaks

Unknown

1. Willow
2. Night Court
3. Mash
4. In Living Color
5. The New Twilight Zone

Polotics as Unusual

Currently the Great State of Utah (and I mean that) is turning its attention toward creating new political districts. In the past it seems the legislature has used this as an opportunity to gain seats for the majority party.


I think this is wrong, and I let me state representative know it today. Here's how:

. . .

Representative Christensen,

I want to offer my support for fair redistricting, motivated by democratic principles and not by party politics.

I know the men and women who serve in elected office are largely people of character who have tremendous senses of civic responsibility. I am thankful for your sacrifice. I am not trying to impugn anyone's actions or motives--I don't know of any actions or motives worthy of suspicion. But I currently fear the rights of individuals to be represented proportionately is potentially in danger, and I wanted to bring awareness to the issue.

It's no secret conservatives enjoy a majority of support in Utah. I don't see any problem with this. However, to adopt districts with any intent toward diminishing the representative-voice of those who do not identify with conservative principles strikes me as deeply anti-republic.

As you are likely aware, historically state representatives have cut districts aimed at dividing races, ethnicities, and religions--to keep these groups, though numerous, from being a significant factor in any election. People dedicated to the principle that all men are created equal, regardless even of political orientation, will not stand for such legislative disregard of the spirit of our founding.

Please do everything in your power to see that all are protected as redistricting continues; to see that no voice is divided, muted, or marginalized; to ensure to all who are proud to call Utah home, may remain proud to claim the government as their own; to ensure that ideals win elections, and not boundaries.

I hope when the dust settles and the new districts are drawn, there will be a near-perfect correlation between the ratio of those in the state claiming conservative, liberal, and independent beliefs, and those representing us in government who bear the same respective characteristics.

Thank you for your time. Please let me know if I can do anything to help in your service.

Yours,

Daniel R. Staker, J.D.

Blind Ambition

I've been wearing a lot of ties to work this week. I don't have to. In fact I don't even have to wear shoes. (And many times I don't.)

But lately I've been wearing a lot of ties.


A coworker asked why I was dressing up. I thought for a few seconds, but I didn't have anything to say. So I thought for another few seconds. "I think it's a physical manifestation of pent-up ambition."

Lately my craving for some new enterprise has ranked ahead of cravings for:

• Pie
• Milkshakes
• Naps
• Peace and Quiet
• Kissy Face

This is BIG. On a personal Richter scale, this is Japan-rattlingly big. It weighs on me. I've been wandering around the house and office and anywhere else I wander saying, "I need a second job... I need a second job... What else can I do?" I've even gone to picturesque settings, looked past horizons and over valleys, and struck thoughtful poses while waiting for ambition's call to strike like lightening.

Nada.

This has been an on-going frustration of my adult life: I feel so perfectly suited for some distinguished work, but I have no idea what that work might be.

I know this is egotistical. I know I AM egotistical. But I'm open to suggestions. What should I be? What should I do? The world should be my oyster; I need to find a way to pry this sucker open.

Former Things

Hi gang. Remember when I used to write poems and talk about books that I've read? Well, after fighting off the exhaustion of a grueling March-through-June, I'm back.

This weekend I read What the Dog Saw, which is a collection of essays by Malcolm Gladwell (which is a really upbeat last name, if you think about it).

When I told people--roommates and family--I was reading this they almost always asked, "Well, what DID the dog see?" I'm not sure if they are curious, or just being smart. But in case you're like them and your curious, the answer is body language. That's what the dog saw.

Here's what I saw.

I'm fascinated with Gladwell as an author. He seldom tells me anything I haven't read elsewhere, yet he's such a remarkably clear-headed writer. And that is why he's a millionaire and I'm not an any-kind-of-aire.

I was about 100 pages into The Tipping Point, Gladwell's first bestseller, when I read a sentence that I thought was clunky and a bit out of place. That's amazing. Usually I'll encounter sentence-itch in the first chapter, even in an incredibly well written book. Mad props, Gladwell.

But I figured out your formula. And, without further ado, I give you the Gladwell Code:

1. This thing seems pretty great and/or is widely accepted.
2. However this thing is not what it seems.
3. We can learn a lesson about this thing by comparing it to another thing that--though seemingly very different--is actually kind of like the original thing that we all thought was pretty great and/or is widely accepted.
4. The thing is more complicated than we supposed, and we need to be careful about the thing.

I'm not complaining. (I'm not sure if Malcolm is a reader of this blog or not.) I'm just proud of myself for seeing the forest through the trees.

* * *

You might also remember that I am kind of a jerk, but I'm not entirely jaded. I'm not sure if I'm getting any sweeter, but I do have another sacrament meeting poem.

Preacher says,
____Repent,
____and He'll forgive!

And I think,
____Yes, that's just
____the way to live.

Preacher says,
____Love one another;
____try to do right.

And I think,
____Sure would be nice
____to sleep at night.

* * *

However, in the interest of full disclosure, I also recently wrote this poem about a famous children's book:

"I know some games
we can play!"

That Cat was a pervert.

Most animals
in clothes

are.

Conclusion: still fairly jaded.