Some things you probably haven't thought of in a while...

Squirrel Nut Zippers
Napster
Roots Berets


Hale-Bopp
Mmmbop
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm


Sega Genesis
That old guy in Arrested Development (the band) that danced
Arrested Development (the band)


Giga Pets
The Club
Ramblin' Rootbeer


Rasta
Chums
"Not the Momma!"


That's enough. That's more than enough.

A Hard Crowd's Bathroom

This morning I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day ahead when I saw a large, very long legged spider on the floor next to me. The bolt of inspiration struck from parts beyond, and I reflexively leaned over and said in my best Paul’s grandfather’s voice: “I betchya you’re a good skimmer!”



The spider didn’t laugh. At all.

I started to worry that I had offended her with the anti-feminism reference. But maybe she had just never seen A Hard Day’s Night.

Cupid's Arrow Lost

Miss...
Hey Miss...

You don't go to Target on a Saturday night.
_____It might truly break your heart--

couples clogging aisles, holding hands,
_____and you don't have any man.

No, you shouldnta' come to Target on a Saturday night,
_____pensively pushing your quiet cart.

That woman has more kids than she can handle on her own,
_____but you might die in your apartment all alone.

Yes, I'm sorry you came to Target on a Saturday night,
_____with your already tired and aching heart,

unescorted by anyone else...
All by yourself.

Confessionzz: My Unauthorized Autobiography

Chapter One: From Birth to After Birth

Nearly thirty years ago, at 4:32PM on a Tuesday in June, the human race gained ten pounds. I remember the day and specific time because I was rooting around my parent's bedroom and found my birth certificate while I was in elementary school child. In those days, TV's Night Court was in syndication on Fox; it happened to air on Tuesday's at 4:30.



"Great," I thought to myself. "I was born in time for Night Court." And the details of my arrival have remained with me since.

To some people this might seem precocious. I would've agreed, until I watched an episode in my adulthood. Then I wondered what was wrong with my father, who used to watch with me, on occasions when I wasn't rummaging through his drawers. Maybe there was nothing wrong. Perhaps it was merely a simpler time. Though I do like to think of myself as precocious...

I was born breech. This has always made sense to me, and if I were president of the baby's union this would be standard practice. Not only does it seem more reasonable spatially, but it strikes me as cautious. Adults would never go head-first into a void. My parents didn't even want me going head-first down the slide. And yet we expect babies to be forced out of the only world they've ever known, to heaven knows what awaits beyond, head-leading-the-way.

Even if only as an act of self-expression, arriving breech strikes me as having value.

Christmas Wish Comes True

After more than a decade of lyrical pleading, singer Mariah Carey received the gift she really wanted: local resident Daniel Staker.

Maria first publicly asked for possession of Staker in 1994 with her hit holiday single "All I Want for Christmas is You."

"When [producers] first came to me about making a Christmas album, I wasn't really sure," said the now 39 year old Carey. "It was one of those times where you have to take time out and ask yourself what you really want." For the five-time Grammy winner, the answer was surprising. "It was like the only thing I really didn't have in my life was a skinny, fourteen year old Mormon boy. Once I realized that, [the song] came together, and the rest of the album just kind of sprung up around it."

Despite Carey's considerable means and desire, negotiations were slowed because Staker was a minor. "The parties came to terms on a basic agreement," a former attorney for Carey said, "but legally there was an impasse. There simply aren't too many options for women approaching 30 who are looking to buy 14 year old boys in this country."

Negotiations resumed when Staker turned 18, only to be put on hold for a two-year Mormon proselyting mission. "When he said he was going I was disappointed,"admitted Carey. "We were so close to an agreement. But it was all part of a journey of learning for me. I found out if you're going to try and buy a skinny Mormon boy, waiting for him to serve a Mormon mission is a part of it."

While serving for his church, Staker did not have regular telephone or email access, and all contact was lost with Carey and her agents.

In 2001 Staker came back to Utah, and in 2002 he started the seven year process of becoming a lawyer. "It was a busy time," said Staker. "There were days when I thought about Mariah, but I was mostly focused on my classes, hanging out with friends, [and] stuff like that."

It seemed Carey's wish would never be fulfilled, and she had all but given up, when Staker recently heard her song on the radio. "I had just graduated in December [of 2009]," Staker commented, "when I heard her song come on the radio. It brought a lot of memories back, and finally everything just felt right. So I called Mariah up..."

"I couldn't believe it," Carey remarked. "It was a dream come true, like a kind of Christmas miracle."

After a few weeks of working out all the details, deed for possession was finally presented to Carey. Her long wait was over.

Terms of the sale were not disclosed.

Sincere Gratitude in Five

Happy Turkey, everyone and all.



The name of the game today is to tell you what I'm grateful for, but not in the once-around-the-table-at-Grandma's-house fashion.

To let the world (all five of you) know that I'm sincere, I'm going to attempt to express true gratitude only for things that I've never heard anyone else be thankful for aloud. Also, I'm not coming up with this list on the spot. That wouldn't be very grateful; brainstorming doesn't really communicate great depths of feeling. So, the second rule is that these are all things that I have actually noted and expressed appreciation for (even if only internally) in the past.

To review:

1. Never heard anyone else be grateful for the following items.
2. Have felt thankful for these items before today.

First, I am truly grateful for the smell of Tide white lilac detergent coupled with Downy lavender dryer sheets. I came across this combination when I was trying to develop a comprehensive smell strategy (CSS) for myself. It works. I love it. I often smell my clothes or blankets and think of how amazing it is that I live in a world where I have such clean and fresh smelling articles. Pre-20th century royalty could not have had it so good.

Second, I am thankful for the smell of old books--like "find it through the card catalog" kind of old books. It's so distinct and makes me feel like there is an exciting world around me still waiting to be discovered, but without the slightest bit of anxiousness or urgency. The books will always be there waiting for me.

Third: modern dentistry. Enough said.




Forth, I absolutely am happy to live in a world with Polo cologne. I don't use it. I can't afford it. And it doesn't fit into the CSS. But this is exactly the prototypical scent and essence of Man--what John Wayne would have smelled like all the time.


Fifth and finally, I am thankful for trunk space. Something about seeing a big, boxy, and deep trunk makes me really happy. I get all excited with the potential of all the things I could pack, stow, and carry, all with the greatest of ease. It's like a bonus car that quietly waits to continually surprise me.

Hodge Podge

These are things I would've mentioned to other human beings, if I was ever around other human beings. There is neither theme nor general cause for interest.


There is a billboard on I-15 northbound as you're coming into Salt Lake. It boasts, "Utah's Fastest Tattoo Removal!"

This claim has zero appeal to me. You know what? Go ahead and take your time. I can stay for fifteen extra minutes. Need me to make another appointment? That's fine. You are super heating and exploding ink in my flesh by use of high powered lasers. Take all the time you need.


I realized the other day that it will be nearly impossible for any woman to live up to the standard of love, devotion, loyalty, and appreciation my dogs have led me to expect.


The dogs are so willing to be fooled by me. They want to believe that I am the best person ever. They need to believe in an all powerful, benevolent master.


A picture of my mother cycled through my screen saver the other day. Something about it stirred my emotions. It's not the best picture of my mother. It's not the greatest likeness of her. It's not even the most emblematic picture of her. So what was it I found so moving? Then I realized, that particular picture reminds me of Abraham Lincoln.


Not in the chin-beard and stove-pipe hat kind of way, but in the lines carved and forged in the crucible of human experience kind of way. She looks patient, kind, good natured, spent in service, wise, and strong.


Also, I just found this: