Californian/Canadian Coping

In-n-Out Burger has spread it's tentacles into my hometown. I'm not really super excited. I like In-n-Out just fine, but it was as much a vacation-novelty as anything. Plus, as nice as it is to have it around, now I'll have to deal with a bunch of sideburned Laker fans and blond girls with big earrings congregating too close to home.


The real upside of this event is that I discovered how much I enjoy saying the name of the burgery in a Canadian accent: En-n-Oot, eh?

It's a small victory, but it's getting me through the day.

(Also, I just invented the word "burgery," which helps.)

The Set Up

I’ve never been set-up—ever—but not for a lack of effort on behalf of a cast of hundreds of well-meaning family, friends, and acquaintances. Years ago attempted matchmaking was an occurrence, and usually only when the conversation turned to dating and singleness. Now attempts at matchmaking are a regularity, often coming in sneak attacks and out of context.

INT. A NON-DESCRIPT HALLWAY. COULD BE AT AN OFFICE, SCHOOL, OR CHURCH—DAY

DANIEL is simply standing, minding his own business. BETTY a woman 5-10 years older than and previously unknown to DANIEL, walks abruptly up to him.

BETTY

Hi, I don’t know we’ve met. I’m Betty. Are you single?

DANIEL

Hi. Uh... Maybe?

I had a set-up offer two days ago. I had one the day before that. I will probably get one later this week.

There are two theories at play to explain this market phenomenon. First, as I grow older I become more refined, mature, educated, and dignified. People want friends or family to end up with a catch like me—a man with a good chin, five weeks away from being a Juris Doctor, not addicted to video games, and willing to change a toilet paper roll. The second theory is much simpler and Occam approved: pity positively correlates with growing age and continued single status.


I suppose it doesn’t have to be one or the other. In any particular instance I could be the latter and the sacrificial woman the former, vice versa, or any combination thereof. The point is, regardless of the reason for this sea change of intermeddling I’m in a new economy, for the first time I am considering breaking from my hard and fast no-set-up rule.

Although I don’t relish the idea of an awkward date, what I really dislike about the notion of getting set-up are the potential third-party ramifications. I’ve seen other gals and guys be set up by friends; I’ve seen those gals and guys dislike the date; and for various reasons, the matchmaking friend takes this rejection as a form of first-person insult.



To avoid, mitigate, or assuage these potential collateral conflicts, I’m working on a contract. The idea is anyone who wants to set me up will be dissuaded—perhaps winnowing out the less serious and thoughtful—or will be pre-advised of all the ways this could go wrong, and avoid potential future shock.

Without further ado, here is my first attempt to draft what started as a joke and is now a semi-unfortunate possibility.

PREAMBLE

I, __________________, have proposed to arrange a meeting between DANIEL STAKER (hereafter “DS”) and a female previously unknown (hereafter “FPU”) to DS, for the purpose of inter-personal acquaintanceship, which, if found agreeable to both parties, may develop into romantic involvement that may or may not result in monogamous dating or marriage.

In attempting to set-up DS, I am assuming a fiduciary role with DS, and, as such, in this capacity I am bound to act according to the best interests of DS. Accordingly, I will make every attempt to uphold the quality of my current relationship with DS, and will explicitly respect his judgment and wishes, whether or not his judgments are explained or merely implicit.

Accordingly, I agree to each and all of the following terms, jointly and severally.

TERMS

1. I know and expect DS will thoroughly scrutinize FPU.
2. I know and expect DS’s judgments regarding and evaluations of FPU will be critical, may either be made almost immediately or after thorough investigation.
3. I understand and diligently support DS’s right to dislike, be disinterested in, be annoyed by, or simply not appreciate FPU for any reason whatsoever.
4. I understand DS may find FPU is unattractive, ugly, homely, or just alright.
5. I understand DS may find FPU is unintelligent, stupid, uninteresting, or just alright.
6. I understand DS will scrutinize FPU’s goals, morals, and values.
7. I understand that DS is not concerned with general principles of fairness and tolerance in the arena of dating and intimate relationships; DS believes dating is about personal fit, not general acceptance, and discrimination will occur.
8. Though DS will not act with malice, I understand DS may do something to hurt FPU’s feelings, make FPU cry, or otherwise frustrate or anger FPU.
9. I assert that I have a substantial reason for thinking it would be favorable for DS to get to know and date FPU.
a. A “substantial reason” is herein defined as possessing knowledge or strong and reasonable suspicion that both DS and FPU mutually hold material facts, attributes, or other characteristics generally considered important to a intimate relationship.
i. Substantial reasons include, but are not limited to, intelligence, goals, lifestyles, unique shared interests, and similar senses of humor.
ii. Substantial reasons do not include, and are not limited to, mutual singleness, height, shared religious membership by record, legal education, or any physical similarities.
iii. If it is not clear whether a reason is substantial, insubstantiality is presumed, and DS reserves final judgment as to all questions of substantiality.
10. I understand DS is under no obligation to disclose any details of any meetings, conversations, interactions, or lack thereof, between DS and FPU with me, any of my agents, or anyone at all.
11. I understand DS has no obligation to defend, justify, or explain any meetings, conversations, interactions, or lack thereof, between DS and FPU with me, any of my agents, or anyone at all.
12. I understand and accept without any personal offense that DS may not trust my judgment, taste, assessments, or advice, and may flatly reject any and all of the aforementioned without explanation, and may do forthrightly and without normal obligations of tact.
13. I will undertake every possible effort to avoid offense where offense was not intended, and will not allow myself to take offense on behalf of FPU.
14. I realize DS may be bad at handling relationships, and will be sympathetic to his inept actions and inactions.
15. I will not assume malice on the part of DS where none is explicitly expressed.
16. I will not side with FPU on any issue in dispute, but will remember that relationships are complicated, stories are inevitably one-sided, and perspectives are limited.
17. By signing this agreement I agree that all of my agents will also be herein bound thereby.
18. I hereby waive my right to appeal this agreement or have this agreement reviewed by any court of law, state authority, mediator, arbitrator, or any authority other than DS.
19. I hereby waive all civil claims associated with this agreement, short of gross negligence, and realize that I am receiving nothing in consideration for the waiving of such rights but the privilege of arranging a meeting with DS and FPU.
20. I consent that this agreement may not be altered except by consent of both parties, consisting of DS and myself.

EXECUTION

Signed on this the ____ day of _________, in the year ______, by:


X _______________________

Witnessed and approved as to form by:


X _______________________
Daniel Staker

Dog Stars

While (as mentioned) I don't really care for reality tv, I do really care about dogs, particularly my dogs, and I love a good competition.

That, along with a bumpy childhood, may help explain why I've been trying to come up with a format for a reality-show-esque competition for my dogs. Meet the contenders:



On the left we have Ms. Gretel, a mutt with moxie, the brown tiger. (Not to be confused with this guy...)

On the right is Mr. Myshkin, 21 pounds of Jack-attack. (Not to be confused with this guy...)



I am trying to think up some challenges and a way to turn them against each other for my amusement, but intrigue is a hard thing to teach a dog.

It may be a good thing I don't have children. However, if I did have kids, I wouldn't be tempted to make my own nativity pageant with canines. Lest you think I'm kidding, check out the shepherd prototype.



You cannot imagine how much this warms my heart, but, do not fear, I've told myself I won't let it go past shepherds and donkeys.

8 & 9

I watched Caveman this very weekend.



It was a mistake and I'm forever done watching Caveman. "O come on Ringo, you were a Beatle!"

7 Inappropriate Confessions

Prepare for disappointment. Not inappropriate in the sense of scintillating tales of moral indiscretion, rather inappropriate in that these are things I shouldn't feel any need to confess, and yet... I do. Almost daily.



1. I cannot finish a half gallon of milk before it expires. I've been trying for years, and while I have flirted in the high ninety-percents of completion, I have yet to seal the deal.

2. I never completed Super Mario Brothers, and I really, really tried. It was the only video game I owned for a year.



3. I hate and cannot stand reality tv--in fact I've never watched an entire reality tv show on my own--and yet, filled with some self-loathing, I have watched hours of it because of female companionship. (There is one exception to this, but that I will not confess.)

4. I don't know what band you are talking about. Furthermore, it took me a few minutes to figure out you were talking about a band.

5. I haven't seen the movie your talking about, and there is a 90% chance I really don't want to--it's violent, hyper sexual, inane and/or people say bad swears a lot.

6. But I would still watch Caveman, staring Shelly Long and Ringo Starr, and I am well aware that it falls into at least two of the above criteria.



7. I've seen the movie Caveman.

Musing on Modern Life

This:

"I'm sorry. I'm no longer interested. You are simply not as good looking or nearly as skinny as your internet photographs led me to believe."

Should be a valid way to end a relationship. (Whether or not the internet is a valid place to begin a relationship is a whole other matter recognized hereby, but not addressed herein.)



Somehow we are currently in a social landscape where one can wantonly and willfully deceive, but it's not ok for the the deceived to acknowledge the deception. Thus, making a victim twice over.

At least with alcohol people traditionally brought deception upon themselves.

Ironically the information age has promoted only the artful presentation of information, often misinformation, and has eroded the kind of genuine discovery and fact-finding that comes from real-life human contact and interaction. This kind of freedom to misrepresent is at an all time high.

I'm sure this has more troubling ramifications than determinations of "hot or not," but I'm a simple man, and am merely endeavoring to point out the surface of the iceberg. (Which, considering where this post began, seems an apt analogy.)

Killer Serials--The Ghost of Al Capone is My Roommate

Part V--Dissolution

***Do Not Read Before Parts I-IV***

I had not left my bedroom for weeks and weeks. It's not only that I was afraid of Al--the last time I saw him he did vow, "I'll fill you so full of lead they'll use you for a pencil, nyah!"--but I also couldn't remember the secret knock to get into the living room. Every time I tried all I heard back was a voice from the other side yelling something like, "Nice try, copper!"



I couldn't pay my bills. The power and heat went off, but at least my cell phone service was canceled, freeing me from my real-life Geraldo haunting. The speakeasy went on by candlelight. It only added to the allure and the dolls said it all seemed more dangerous and romantic.

Meanwhile I nearly starved to death, living only off of cough drops from my medicine cabinet, water from my sink, and remnants of gin that a ghost named Vinny comes in and makes in my bathtub.

Al had a good thing going. With me out of the way, he had the only 1920s-era-supernatural-speakeasy in the building, maybe on the whole block. His empire was growing day by day, but, in his haste to get back on top, Al forgot to pay his H.O.A. dues.

After an appropriate administrative process, Al and I were evicted by the Chicago P.D. I lost my job and my home, but, most importantly, I also lost Al.

As I walked away he yelled something about turning me into "minestrone soup" if I ever double crossed him or cut back into his territory. Typical Al. He would almost be tolerable, lovable, if he weren't so willing to take human life for profit.

My new home used to be a Hallmark Store. Me and all the precious moments figures gone by should get along just fine.